Never Enough

 Well, I thought this place had disappeared. To my surprise, here it is. Keeping all my memories alive, as well as my scars. 

It's been years since my last post, I got married 9 years ago. The ONE had arrived. I'm still married, but so many things have happened. 

I'm hurt again, and it's deeper every time, harder to get over it and to forgive. This time, there is someone who simply makes things harder for both of us... his mother.  We don't like each other, but she keeps getting on me and I'm no quitter, if the fight comes to me, I'll fight. The hard part is my husband taking sides, hers.  

We've hurt each other so much, and to be honest, I really don't feel like we should be together anymore. 

I have a beautiful son that keeps me going, but I think we could be wonderful for him, just no together... at least not any more. My heart breaks to think of my son asking for his father but the damage between us (his father and I) is severe and repetitive. 

We had a deal, he knew it would be our last chance, and he blew it blinded by his mother's and his thirst of revenge (he has issues with my dad), he didn't stop to think that his actions upon my family could hurt me, he was just proud to be congratulated by that lady. So that sends a message that he never thought of me, and I don't want a man that doesn't give a thought of what I could feel before acting. 

His priorities are now known.  So waiting here in my COVID isolation, just gets me emotional and wanting to get this over with. 

"These hands could hold the word but it'll never be enough... for me "

A thousand years...

I can't remember the last time I was here, sharing my feelings with you... Seems like forever and a the same time, it feels like yesterday when I wept, felt hurt or lonely.  

Today I've decided to share what might be the last entry for this blog.  

All those years when I felt sad, unable to understand why I always had to be the one that gave everything and ended up with nothing... well I guess God had a surprise for me.

So yes, my image proves it... I'm getting married to an amazing man. One of a kind,  someone I'm not afraid of sharing my life with. A real tale prince, a gentleman and a caring person. He taught me how to live, love and trust again... he suffered my rage, my weakness, my closed mind and heart and still stood there, waiting for me to realise he would never give up on me... He made me feel worth it, he proved to be honest, to love me, to understand me... and for that,  I am forever grateful.

I said yes without a doubt on my mind the night he asked me to marry him. Today I can't wait to become his wife and be forever his. 


If you ever get to read all this, know for certain that I've never ever loved the way I love you, and there will be no other love for me and never has since I met you.  

" The day we met, frozen I held my breath, right from the start  I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...
I have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years... I'll love you for a thousand more.."

Halo...

Months ago I wanted to know what I felt, If I was on the right way or not... Trying to figure out what was going on in my life and thank God.. I found out.

I made a decision... I had to choose if I would wait to love a man with all my heart and that maybe that man might love me back, or give my heart to the man who loved me truely and was willing to stand up for me without hesitating... and guess what... I chose him... the man that proved his feelings were sincere without being asked and now... almost 7 months later, I keep thanking God for the opportunity to meet this young and wonderful man... I figured out that love is also a decision, that we always have a choice... and that thinking about what is best for us is also accepted in love... and I know it because this love of mine is the best thing that has ever happened to me..

"Remember those walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down... and didn't even put up a fight, they didn't even make a sound..."

Missing you...

Love, the strongest and most beautiful feeling of all, can also be the most difficult to understand or to handle... when can we know if what we feel is love? When can we know for sure that our feelings are true? Is it when every cell in your body shivers at the sight of that special person? Or maybe when your heart beats stronger and faster than a minute ago just because you heard his or her voice? Is there a way to know? Why can't we just find a blood test that turns blue if you're truely in love and stays the same way if it isn't so? I just wish I could know what I'm feeling now... and what's even harder, what are You are feeling too..

There are moments where strength and confidence are needed to find those things out, but right now, I guess I'm too afraid of you... of knowing my true feelings and maybe discovering that yours aren't the ones I dream of.

Don't run, don't hide, just face the fact that I'm here, just as you are... and that for some reason you met me.. Be sure that, come what may, I'm grateful for the time you spent with me.

" I can't stand another night, stand another night.. without you..."

Forever and for always...

It's human nature to run away from things that might end up changing our entire lives... even if the change might be for good. Today I'm not running, I'm staying right where I am, because it's where I chose to be. I'm fighting to reach my dreams and make them come true. I'm stronger than I thought I was, and now, knowing that I deserve the best of life cause I give the best of me in every day... my will to continue won't fade away.

I've got my mind made up, my eyes are set on a target, and my heart has made the decision... The point of no return has been passed... and I'm glad.. so ready or not, the new me is on the road...

Don't take it bad, it's not you, it's me... It is me because I won't receive less than I expect, It is me the one who has chosen not to settle for this... I want more...

" I'm keeping you forever and for always..."

Help...

What are words but hollow sounds when there is absense of action behind them? What is a caress but a cold vague friction of skins when there is no feeling guiding your touch? What is a kiss? Is it only flesh united when they lack the magic of surrendering your soul in a sigh full of hope? What is love? Just a Word that implies to Caress and Kiss when there is no one else to give each letter that composes this word its true meaning...

"Help, I need somebody, help not just anybody..."

Take my breath away...

Once again I stand before you, writing a few lines that might never be read, lines that are meant for you even if you don't know it. Do you believe in destiny? Do you believe that every single event in our lives was meant to be? Do you think that even meeting certain people at a certain moment in your life might be written somewhere already... I guess we'll never know, but, all I've got to say is, if all those things are true... then I might be liking it a little more than I'd dare to admit. So it seems that my destiny took me to a far away land, a land of my dreams, a place my heart feels it truely belongs... and now, all of a sudden some other events happen to plot against my imaginary plan of stength and independant life. Not that I complain, but it's so odd to imagine that every thing I imagined, planned and needed might actually be here.

Still it's too soon to figure things out, maybe some other day the answers will come to me... right now, i think I might just enjoy my precious life while I can and thank God for all His blessings...

"Watching in slow motion in my foolish lover's game... on this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame.. turning and returning to some secret place inside, watching in slow motion as you turn around and say: take my breath away."